What aspects determine whether a young
man or woman is ready to leave the nest? Age?
Maturity Level? Finances? Desire?
All of the above?
Okay, let’s back up a little. Why are most teens lazy,
irresponsible, and clearly lack interest and focus? I believe it’s because we
as a society have such low expectations of teens in the first place. They have
no problem living up to that low expectation and we all accept it. I work in a
community college and the number of people in their 20’s and sometimes even in
their 30’s that come in and can’t do the simplest of things without direction
with each tiny step is astounding. It’s not because they are dumb. It’s because
they were never taught to be independent and think for themselves.
Having been pretty much on my own since I was 16, I know I
can be quick to judge, but it is still disappointing to see a 19 year old
standing to the side in silence while mommy and/or daddy do all the talking and
decision making as though the student weren’t even there. Isn’t it his future? The saying “You gotta
let them fall before they can learn to walk” was not really about toddlers
folks.
As our children grow, we have to allow them to fai,l and
also to suffer the consequences of that failure. Those are the things that
build character, strength, and integrity. No one ever gained muscle by having
someone else lift the weight for them.
A book by David Barnhart & Allan Metcalf called “America in so Many Words” (1977 Houghton
Mifflin), had some interesting things to say about teenagers. It included the
following:
“… the goal of the child was to
grow up as promptly as possible in order to enjoy the opportunities and
shoulder the responsibilities of an adult. [….] reforms of the early 20th
century, preventing child labor and mandating education through high school,
lengthened the pre-adult years”
“Thus the years ending in ‘teen
became something new and distinctive….. the teenager remade our world. The
concept is …. Subversive: why should any teenager enjoying freedom submit to
the authority of adults?”
Wow! That’s pretty thought provoking isn’t it? How did we
get held prisoner, if you will, to a group that only received its name, I am
told, around 1941 from a Reader’s Digest article? I was unable to find that
exact article, but I found many articles that referred to it.
Not long ago a young man entered our college bookstore
following his parents. He followed them around with his hands in his pockets as
his mother did all the talking. My attempts to engage him in conversation
regarding his future plans were consistently interrupted by his mother
answering every question I directed towards him. I would be willing to bet that
if she were reading this right now she would never have a clue that I was even
referring to her. Sadly, the young man failed out and I do not know what he is
doing now.
Are we raising a bunch of wimps? Hey – there’s no mouse in my pocket! I
started preparing my children to live on their own before they were even 5
years old. No, that’s not a type-o. I started teaching them a little at a time
what it means to be independent. By the age of 8 they knew how to do their
laundry, make their beds, and wash dishes.
Basic cooking skills were learned by age 10 and they had their own alarm
clocks and knew what to do to prepare themselves for school (no television
before school helps with that).
A great book written for teens by a couple of then
teenagers; Alex & Brett Harris called “Do
Hard Things”(2008 Multnomah), with a foreword by Chuck Norris, lays it all
on the line as they attempt to get young people to “rebel against low expectations”. In the book they point out that:
‘Entire industries [….] revolve
around the consumer habits of, you guessed it, teens. [….] With all this money
and attention focused on teens, the teen years are viewed as some sort of
vacation. [….] The saddest part is that as the culture around them has come to expect
less and less, young people have dropped to meet those lower expectations.”
And as if that wasn’t bad enough it has begun to spill over
into the 20 somethings like a spreading fungus.
You can’t wait until your son or daughter gets out of high
school and then make some attempt at helping them bridge over into adulthood.
Don’t you get it? The teen years are the bridge, and childhood is the road leading
to the bridge. If a 19 year old isn’t ready to hold down a job, attend college
classes if enrolled, keep up with some basic household chores and pay a few bills, then either they have
legitimate mental limitations, or they have just simple never been trained.
When a parent does everything for their son/daughter it may
make them feel important, needed, and warm and fuzzy inside. Raising a child is
not about you, or how you look to others. I believe the right thing to do for
our children is to prepare them for a life without us. What if you died shortly
after your youngest child’s 18th birthday? A thought we don’t want,
but the reality is it could happen. Could your son or daughter make it? Could
they live successfully without having to find someone to do all the crap you do
for them because you think they wouldn’t do it just right? Could they wash the
sheets and put them back on the bed correctly? Could they write a check for
rent, address and stamp the envelope and drop it in the mail?
I believe you do your children the most justice when you
spend their childhood teaching them responsibility, accountability, and
consequences as soon as they’re old enough to communicate. And above all, teach
them how to survive without you.
While packing up my soap box I would just like to end with
one final statement. I love my children more than anything on earth, however I believe my job is not to hold them under my
wing as long as possible….. I think my job is to teach them how to use their
own wings as soon as possible.
