Too Many Idle Wings

What aspects determine whether a young man or woman is ready to leave the nest? Age?  Maturity Level?  Finances? Desire? All of the above?

Okay, let’s back up a little. Why are most teens lazy, irresponsible, and clearly lack interest and focus? I believe it’s because we as a society have such low expectations of teens in the first place. They have no problem living up to that low expectation and we all accept it. I work in a community college and the number of people in their 20’s and sometimes even in their 30’s that come in and can’t do the simplest of things without direction with each tiny step is astounding. It’s not because they are dumb. It’s because they were never taught to be independent and think for themselves. 

Having been pretty much on my own since I was 16, I know I can be quick to judge, but it is still disappointing to see a 19 year old standing to the side in silence while mommy and/or daddy do all the talking and decision making as though the student weren’t even there.  Isn’t it his future? The saying “You gotta let them fall before they can learn to walk” was not really about toddlers folks.

As our children grow, we have to allow them to fai,l and also to suffer the consequences of that failure. Those are the things that build character, strength, and integrity. No one ever gained muscle by having someone else lift the weight for them.

A book by David Barnhart & Allan Metcalf called “America in so Many Words” (1977 Houghton Mifflin), had some interesting things to say about teenagers. It included the following:

“… the goal of the child was to grow up as promptly as possible in order to enjoy the opportunities and shoulder the responsibilities of an adult. [….] reforms of the early 20^th century, preventing child labor and mandating education through high school, lengthened the pre-adult years”

“Thus the years ending in ‘teen became something new and distinctive….. the teenager remade our world. The concept is …. Subversive: why should any teenager enjoying freedom submit to the authority of adults?”

Wow! That’s pretty thought provoking isn’t it? How did we get held prisoner, if you will, to a group that only received its name, I am told, around 1941 from a Reader’s Digest article? I was unable to find that exact article, but I found many articles that referred to it.

Not long ago a young man entered our college bookstore following his parents. He followed them around with his hands in his pockets as his mother did all the talking. My attempts to engage him in conversation regarding his future plans were consistently interrupted by his mother answering every question I directed towards him. I would be willing to bet that if she were reading this right now she would never have a clue that I was even referring to her. Sadly, the young man failed out and I do not know what he is doing now.

Are we raising a bunch of wimps?  Hey – there’s no mouse in my pocket! I started preparing my children to live on their own before they were even 5 years old. No, that’s not a type-o. I started teaching them a little at a time what it means to be independent. By the age of 8 they knew how to do their laundry, make their beds, and wash dishes.  Basic cooking skills were learned by age 10 and they had their own alarm clocks and knew what to do to prepare themselves for school (no television before school helps with that).

A great book written for teens by a couple of then teenagers; Alex & Brett Harris called “Do Hard Things”(2008 Multnomah), with a foreword by Chuck Norris, lays it all on the line as they attempt to get young people to  “rebel against low expectations”.  In the book they point out that:

‘Entire industries [….] revolve around the consumer habits of, you guessed it, teens. [….] With all this money and attention focused on teens, the teen years are viewed as some sort of vacation. [….] The saddest part is that as the culture around them has come to expect less and less, young people have dropped to meet those lower expectations.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough it has begun to spill over into the 20 somethings like a spreading fungus.

You can’t wait until your son or daughter gets out of high school and then make some attempt at helping them bridge over into adulthood. Don’t you get it? The teen years are the bridge, and childhood is the road leading to the bridge. If a 19 year old isn’t ready to hold down a job, attend college classes if enrolled, keep up with some basic household chores  and pay a few bills, then either they have legitimate mental limitations, or they have just simple never been trained.

When a parent does everything for their son/daughter it may make them feel important, needed, and warm and fuzzy inside. Raising a child is not about you, or how you look to others. I believe the right thing to do for our children is to prepare them for a life without us. What if you died shortly after your youngest child’s 18^th birthday? A thought we don’t want, but the reality is it could happen. Could your son or daughter make it? Could they live successfully without having to find someone to do all the crap you do for them because you think they wouldn’t do it just right? Could they wash the sheets and put them back on the bed correctly? Could they write a check for rent, address and stamp the envelope and drop it in the mail?

I believe you do your children the most justice when you spend their childhood teaching them responsibility, accountability, and consequences as soon as they’re old enough to communicate. And above all, teach them how to survive without you. 

While packing up my soap box I would just like to end with one final statement. I love my children more than anything on earth, however  I believe my job is not to hold them under my wing as long as possible….. I think my job is to teach them how to use their own wings as soon as possible.